The Year of the Dog

As astrology goes, it is like so many things- it has meaning and it works. Some hidden and quiet and some loud and in your face but astrology has not ever governed my life but mostly served to enhance, amuse or warn me.

This Year of the Dog however was to the core very different. I could feel it start to rev up on a cellular level and as the sun began to sink below the horizon the sensation just got stronger. By the time it was about 1 am I was practically tingling.

Something was shifting. I have no idea if anyone else felt it. I know for me it felt big, it felt like the something I had been waiting for that I didn't know I was waiting for. Another one of those spiritual moments that you can't find the words to describe or language to articulate.

So I started to call it a pivot moment because even the words that started coming out of my mouth were structured different. They made sense differently, arranged differently and were delivered with more clarity. I have found a directness, and it seems a bit monumental. So I just looked this up on Google:
A moment is the turning effect of a force around a fixed point called a pivot. For example, this could be a door opening around a fixed hinge or a spanner turning around a fixed nut. The size of a moment depends on two factors: the size of the force applied and the perpendicular distance from the pivot to the line of action of the force.


The odd thing is, I spontaneously called all this my pivot moment while I was shopping and I bought myself the one thing I had denied myself my whole adult life. The one prized and coveted item I had always wanted. I went into the store to just look at it. My intention was to see it in person, make sure it was what I wanted and come back in April to purchase it for my birthday. While standing there I realized that I had spent so much time in the last 7 years in particular saving things until later that it had gotten almost to the point of neurosis that I said, "I'll take it". It didn't stop there. I proceeded to buy a second one as well because it was time to tell myself, and the world that I have indeed sacrificed, and I am indeed not willing to wait any longer. It is time to reach out and have the ever elusive handbag.

I know, WHAT a purse. YES, damn it a purse, actually a purse and a pocket organizer. And for the first time in a very long while I sat there with a ridiculously content feeling, holding the boxes and deeply satisfied. I had waited for over 25 years and it was finally in my lap. Yeah, I cried and it takes my breath away. It was a long wait for a purse. I will always look at it and be glad I waited to get to celebrate my pivot moment purchasing something so monumental, that neither were or are taken lightly.

I've struggled so many times during my spiritual journey with materialism, and my own vanity. As I've gotten farther down the path I realize that the human experience is not to be denied or struggled against, judged or shamed. We can witness it without action or judgement and decided, inquire and feel blessed to have the free will and conscious state of mind to make an informed choice. It is part of my skin suit to be vain, it is also part of my challenge to like nice things. Those bits don't define me, they are actually things that motivate me to self care and appreciate beauty. Two sides to every coin as I say.

It is wondrous to be so moved by unseen forces. It almost felt like an uprising. An awakening. Maybe I will never know the name of it, but I will have a purse to remind me of it, whatever it is called. I am grateful to be reminded that those moments of transformation can happen to me in the most unexpected ways.

Year of the Dog.

French bread pizza and evolution

I was making french bread pizza with my Grandson today and I realized how much it symbolizes my own evolution and parenting.

I've made it throughout my time as a parent. It is one of those food items that kids love to make and eat and introduces them to cooking. You start out with the basics and it evolves over time with their individual tastes as they grow. They experiment and branch out, it encourages self care and all that good stuff.

Today, as we were making pizza I was putting all sorts of fancy stuff I had gotten from Sprouts for my pizza and I realized my own magic had worked on me as well. I was seeing my own evolution on my little creation. I am no longer the girl that just tops it with discs of pepperoni although I would still fancy it.

It was my Mom who made them with me, and I with my kids and now with my Grandson. The french bread pizza a symbol of evolution connection generations and hopefully an enduring tradition. Maybe long after I am gone when the pizza sauce goes on someone will remember the moment like I did today.

Let the Games begin...

We started marriage counseling. I don't mean to make light of it with the title of this blog, it is a considerable undertaking emotionally for my husband. It takes a good deal of personal trust for someone at the emotional point he is at.

I am at a different point in my life. My journey inward began many years ago and I have traveled through the dark stillness to meet myself. I have met many teachers along the way, my most influential and helpful at this point has been Adyashanti, although my childhood rings loudly in my ears these days. Recently I have reflected on the faces of my family, my Great Aunts and Uncles and how often they smiled. Now in my 50's I know the burdens and worries they must have carried and yet they smiled with such joy and were so present in the moments with us. I look at my Great Grandmother with such admiration, a new found respect and my heart is simply overwhelmed with gratitude and love. That is for another post, one in which I can just honor my rich lineage.

So, we go and sit with a marriage counselor once a week as he tries his hardest to unwind 7 years of complex yuck. Trigger words, and manipulation that push accountability and responsibility to the other side of the table very much like a game. I mostly sit quietly until I can't stand it anymore and I put a stop to it. My husband is very much like herding a bundle of kittens when it comes to arguing and emotional things, it's part of the strategy and I know as the counselor gets to know him it will take less time to intervene but for now it borders on the ridiculous.

Blah blah blah she she she and so on. I sit and watch this all unfold mindful of his apparent pain yet sinful blame and wonder when his perspective will crack wide.

I always wonder what it takes for someone to wake up. I remember the moment vividly for me and it had nothing to do with my spirituality, or at least it didn't seem like it directly. It had everything to do with my kids. One spilled glass of milk. I yelled at my child about it and I realized that it wasn't who I wanted to be. My impatience was the ugliest thing I had about me and to undo that I needed to undo a good many things. That was the beginning of it all. That was when the game began for me like a gun going off at the beginning of a race.

It only took one spilled glass of milk. What will it be for him?

Invalidation and the Whole Self

Last night it was another showdown. And it's funny how the mind works at times because in the background was that childhood rhyme, "I am rubber you are glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks to you". 

The back story is that my step daughter and husband had a conversation, which I don't have to the details about, where he expressed the unrecoverable status of our relationship in some sad way. The outcome was she sent him a "cheer him up" gift. We had seen this at our most recent trip to Great America and my husband still mourns the death of David Bowie. The gift card said, "oh no love, you are not alone ~B". BTW, love is his pet name for me. Clearly he was feeling alone and sad. 

I found out that our relations was unrecoverable because I went to use his computer and "found" an email from a friend of ours with a list of divorce attorney recommendations. Honestly, I didn't acquire this information hunting in a devious way, I was using his computer to look up some information for my Grandson, saw a purchase he had made and out of curiosity wanted to know what it was. Saw the receipt in his email and went to look at the description. There in the subject heading in an email was the word divorce, she isn't married so my heart sunk and I clicked the email. The quickest of clicks led to the discovery of the truth, yes it was a violation of privacy which I acknowledge openly. 

So here I stand in my kitchen, the landscape has changed and I am devastated with the recent news that my husband thinks our relationship is unrecoverable, has told more than a few people this and he receives a gift. Obviously there is years of story here but my feelings are deeply hurt. My step daughter clearly is not understanding that this situation is effecting us all in the house and that my feeling are raw and sad, that I might also need some support. 

So later after careful thought and even more carefully chosen words I decided to write her an email. I think it's important in a relationship to let people know when they have hurt you, truly hurt you. My step daughter also cancelled her attendance to my oldest daughter's baby shower giving out right lies as excuses until my daughter presses to the truth. 

My step daughter never responded to the email. My husband however told me that I had no right to write the email. It was none of my business and I had no right to feel hurt. 

He then told my 15 year old step son that I sent the email and that I didn't want him to have any joy in his life. Which upset my step son so much that he made the choice not to come to our house. The hits just kept coming. After two weeks of hearing him say that I had no rights I had had enough. 

Last night he told me that I was responsible for driving a wedge between my step daughter and I. That my email had done irreparable damage. 

Enough was enough. It is simple. For 7 years I have treated him, his Son, Daughter and Mother with kindness, respect, and love. I have given them my patience and dealt with all the situations and problems with fairness. I can't say they have been even ben all that nice to me, and sometimes out right cruel. I have forgiven because I choose forgiveness. I don't wedge, but live a dog's life-today is the day I have. I've made few mistakes and hurt them few times never out of malice or intention. 

Last night my husband called my email dumb. A mistake. And I am being burned at the stake. 

Absolutely NOT. I told him that he and his daughter might want to consider treating me with a shred of the compassion and kindness that I have shown them. That my feelings are just as valid as theirs and that their opinion of my email is theirs but in no way makes my hurt feeling any less valid. That in no way should they have ever said any of this in front of a 15 year old boy, that I had no right to feel the way I do. Teaching him people's feelings are invalid, bringing him into this is an outright manipulation and a despicable emotional ploy. Their inability to show compassion for my feeling is a reflection of their immaturity of character and testament to if I should or should not have sent an email in the first place. I valued my friendship with my step Daughter and thought that after all this time that her and I could openly share our feelings. I misjudged the stability of that relationship. I did make a mistake, one I will not make again.

Internally, I feel unaffected by his comments. I felt a bit like Wonder Woman or at least the archetype in some way. I made a stand. At the end of the day I am a whole person. I did a lot of years doing personal work and sitting in meditation and I still do. I have an amazing acupuncturist that is working with me now to continue my personal efforts and deal with all this and heighten my experience of meditation. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes, I certainly do but low level emotional abuse is not going to happen here. 

Marriage counseling is tomorrow. Should be interesting. My step Son is coming home today and I'm looking forward to seeing him. We spoke last night in spite of his new step Dad making him get off the phone with me for no reason. Yes, they too are shooting arrows. 

Maybe it's time to summons the coven.

a Footnote about Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun

I am using a portrait of Elisabeth Vigee Le Brun as my portrait for now. Clearly this will be obsolete at some point but I wanted to add a link for informational purposes. I find her fascinating for many reasons. Bringing female artists into focus now is so important, to celebrate them and how amazing their triumphs were at a time when women were not celebrated is valuable. More about Elisabeth

A Woman of Letters

“One must, in one’s life, make a choice between boredom and suffering.”
~Germaine de Staël


Are we not again in the age where we are of need of Women of Letters? Where we have a need to gather in a salon and discuss the next age of reason and enlightenment?

This conversation can't happen in social media or in the ethers. It needs to happen again where we can see the dilation of someone's pupils and the hear the excitement in their voice.

I got here after following a very obscure trail of breadcrumbs. Doing some research about Marie Antoinette and her portrait artist Elisabeth Louise Vigee Le Brun; I bumped into Germaine de Staël. That is the thing about the late 1700's, you run into everyone.

Stick with me on this one because it gets a bit hair pin turn like here. My children and I have an acronym, CAKE, the letters of our first names which we came up with ages ago. When I went to log into to my iTunes account the other day after an update it begged me for a username which was something new. So after repeated attempts of all my old standards which were taken, I typed in "eat cake", in a semi-annoyed fashioned as a play off of, "let them eat cake". It accepted my off handed offer to my shocked surprised.

I called my oldest daughter telling her I was going to run with it and do a personal brand. Having some fun with it seemed natural since I have a "not in the closet" love for Rococo era everything and would take a job as a professional duster for Versailles, painting conservation and restoration profession aside. So tonight I went down the lovely rabbit hole to do up a little profile photo-ohhh rabbit in Alice's voice-here we go...

-Marie Antoinette's portrait artist's name is Elisabeth (born April)-my first name is Elisa (born April)
-Marie Antoinette was executed on 10/16/1793 on 10/16/2017 I found out my husband was looking into divorce attorneys
-CAKE-see above

Which brings me back to how I bumped into Germaine de Staël. As I moved chronologically through French History and the influence of women, I wondered about the telling of women in history as I often do. Clearly it is told by men, the stories from their male perspective. Like Marie's alleged comment of, "let them eat cake". And in my own life, this very moment, I see how I am so miswritten like the bullshit propaganda handed out by French factions. My own husband is doing the same thing right now to drum up sympathy for himself, maybe not nicely illustrated leaflets but you get the picture. Props to anyone who takes the time to do a nice leaflet these days.

So yes, one must make a choice between boredom and suffering. I hope Marie wasn't telling the peasants to eat cake but the aristocracy that spent so much time criticizing her to fuck off. That is the story I tell myself. That is the Marie I wish her to be.So yes, let them eat cake. I have not had a whole lot of encouragement from the people in my husband's family, or from my husband in the last 7 years. He informed me that he didn't think he could continue to do his personal work while living under the same roof as me and that he has felt this way for the entire year. Napoleon exiled Germaine de Staël from France and Marie Antoinette got her head cut off. At the end of the day I would rather be either of them then spend one day being Napoleon, the men that told lies to slander Marie or my husband.

So gather together women of letters to write a history for yourselves that inspires creativity, compassion and a future that makes men want to be a better version of themselves.



"Scientific progress makes moral progress a necessity; for if man’s power is increased, the checks that restrain him from abusing it must be strengthened."


Disclaimer from the author:It isn't that punctuation isn't important to the author. Grammar and punctuation are one of the backbones of civilized society, but it is always late and I don't often proof my work. I am literally overjoyed to get anything posted at all. If you would like to volunteer to edit my work please send me a message.

I moved Mountains

As the vacancy sign turned on and off
with the paint barely dry and the constant sound of moving furniture
I moved Mountains

While images and prose hurled like fire and brimstone from your computer screen
destroying temple and alter, a cat called Judas purring, lust and with a crush heart
I moved Mountains

Surrounded by outdated volumes of habit, dusty excuses and looped playlists for a different couples dance and tumble in the sheets
I moved Mountains

Pig in a poke, smoke and mirrors perfected to an elevated art form
Unsuspecting honesty lay bear transforming into a clash like Beenie Man and Bounty Killer. Salvation and liberation rejected
I moved Mountains

As grief swirled without comfort and words formed without flight, despair took form-it's ugly shape chosen
A cancer, a gun took our laughter and security- it left us shocked and bear
I moved Mountains

Raised by Narcissus and loved by Peter Pan left little food for the boyish man and even less to learn how to feed another
Twisted by lack and greed, out of need and respite-the walls went up for boy needed to hid and stay hidden he still is for the heart forgot the warmth of love and when love appeared out came fear
I moved Mountains

As she laid in the grass with her little wings being poked thru with holes and no haven, she waited-she just needed one person to say no for her to help her repair so she could fly
The seamstress was invisible so she never saw Her face as she walked away without a thank you and still
I moved Mountains

Undiagnosed. Unseen the little boy fights the demons, hungry and unable to sleep he waited too. As the tribe descended in unity, they claimed him and accepted him and his demons, calling them by name and never to live in the shadows again. The boy sits at the feast with the tribe with his new presence of acceptance growing and he is seen. She will always be his Mother now, the Mother of his shadows that brought the light
I moved Mountains

The My collective silently watched with reservation, respectfully hopeful. Compassionate forgiveness of sins with their quick laughter and joy their ever constant companion as they welcomed our newest ray of sunshine. Our little gift left at our door step, the easy smile with sticky handfuls of dandelions. His undeniable commitment slowly eroded by crippling personal unhappiness and still
I moved Mountains

The journey felt long and full. She had arrived at a place of strength and surrendered to service. She had been delivered, to the boy dressed as a husband, and the girl with the torn wings and the child a shade of grey. She went to work and used all she had, emptied her heart, shone her light, remembered who she was and her gifts. She thought she spent her last dime although she was forgotten by them along the way. Then she remembered.

She is wealthy. She has all the love she needs because she has been granted all the Universe has. She was meant to be here for her as well. She learned all those lessons for all the moments to fix those wings and feed the boy and try to touch and warm the man.

She holds the little sticky hand that has dropped the dandelions and holds a paper airplane now as she walks past the Mountain

and smiles

Thank you

November is writing month

Officially it is about writing a novel. Well that isn't going to happen. I did start one, and I have notes but no where is there time to write 1,667 words per day in the month of November. Are they fucking joking me?

So I thought it would just be a month of writing, a sort of cathartic and creative and maybe just amusing. It might get a bit sad or punch him in the face but I make no apologies because it's my blog. And I am counting this entry, writing about writing which is a bit dollar store but I love shopping at the dollar store so there it is.  

It's my bright idea to get things moving. 

I guess I need to add that many of these photos are taken by me so don't use them without written permission. Don't be an ass.

It's always the next chapter

I abandoned this blog for a variety of reasons. The brightest was being burned at the stake. My partner, who became my husband did nothing to save my name which in hindsight might have been a warning sign. I don't actually need anyone to fight for me, but allies are always a good thing in battle and it has been a battle for 7 years now. 
Out of the ashes I rise like a Phoenix, screech towards the sky and take flight again. 

A new day, the same fight and I ask myself very similar questions about humanity. As the context or faces change in my life and I see the kindness and the smiles drain away, I wonder when people will wake up. 

When will they see each other, the sameness? When will they allow the divide to melt away and begin to understand that the separateness that they feel is an illusion?

I was going to start in a new and fresh place to write and post. A new beginning of sorts but the changed my mind. I'll just dip back into the past 7 years like a dream sequence in a movie instead, maybe disjointed and a little out of sync with time but then again isn't all memory like that at some point? 

Seven years later, I might not have chosen my throne wisely.

I Got Left Behind

I did a t-shirt...here is the link if you want to order one:

http://www.cafepress.com/frayedmargin

it continues in California...

I've been back for 6 months now. A LOT has happened and it's difficult to explain in a text box so I put together a little slideshow that can at the very least give a glimpse.

I do miss Firenze, the work and the fantastic people that got to know. Time marches on and all each of us can do is try our hardest to do our best.

Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0JT7UALz80

Layers

If we each peel back the layers of self, perception and how we interact we can see that life is very simple. It goes on without us, with us and in spite of what we think. I've arrived back to California without many expectations, just armed with hope.

During this last month I've learned a few things about other people and myself. The startling thing is that in the end it only really matters how I love and learn.

So the job hunt continues, it's similar to having a job that you just don't want to roll out of bed to do. It really is exhausting! So I look at the little things to be grateful for, internet that works, and beautiful house(s) that I've been lucky to stay at. A cell phone that kinda works and so many people that are cheering me on.

I am grateful.

And now...

I've had a chance to reconnect with friends, and meet some new people since returning back to the States and it's been so fantastic. So many people have greeted me with love and welcomed me back into the fold. I've had a chance to remember why I call them friends. The new friends have been so kind and helpful, extending themselves in many personal ways to help me along my journey. I am infinitely grateful.

So I continue to job hunt in the Bay Area and travel the beautiful coast of California in search of my next stop. I've been a bit of gypsy, enviable by some, living out of my suitcases and waiting to settle in. It's about having a deeper understanding I guess. You never really know until you've lived it. I can put a check mark next to the gypsy archetype....

A deep sigh...

I've been back for less than 3 weeks now and am adjusting slowly. I have a lot to be grateful for, the kindness and generosity of Allyson and Michael is humbling. I actually don't know what I would have done without them. And now I head off to get my car back from John who has generously stored it for 10 months now. These three people are made of solid gold. I've spent the majority of my time on the internet looking for places to land and work. Not easy in this economy but tomorrow I have a phone interview and I'm hopeful. It isn't the perfect restoration job that one fantasizes about but...it's a job which I need desperately. What to do first, find a place to live or a job? That has been the big question so I am tackling it by doing them simultaneously. On a more personal note, it looks as though I might have a boyfriend. I met Michael before I left for Florence and throughout my stay in Italy we grew closer. I've spent the last 2 weekends with him and now we are considering moving in together. Yup...after almost 12 years I might actually have a boyfriend. It's all a bit complicated but we are working at it. So off I go from Allyson's extremely gracious hospitality...next stop John's house and then to Stephanie's. (This photo is Michael and I...)

Boy do I want to unpack my suitcases!

11 days left

The countdown continues on my departure from Florence and it's filled with happiness, sadness and apprehension. I don't have a job, or a place to live but I am trying to have some faith in the skills of the Universe to guide me to the right place.
So much has happened since I left California that I'm not sure how bad the culture shock is going to be. I find myself a bit slow on the uptake when someone is speaking english to me in public that I come off as kinda daft. I can understand Italian pretty well now, but speaking it is still hit and miss. The most dramatic part in all this for me is amount I've learned is such a short period of time, personally and about art. A friend told me the other day that I won't fully understand how I've changed and how this experience has effected my perception for a while and I think he is right. Florence has been such an intense experience and even before I've left I reflect on it constantly.
I have so much to be grateful for, so many wonderful people have come into my life because of it that in some ways it feels surreal. I leave behind here in Florence 2 wonderful people that I wish I had more time with, Nenad and Camilla. Both are art restorers and I have learned so much from them and enjoyed their company as people beyond words.
One of the most important parts of this experience is one relationship in particular. When I left California, Mike and I were part time lovers and friends. Since I've been in Florence he has stuck by me through the whole thing and our relationship has developed into something really wonderful. I don't know what will happen when I get back but I am hopeful that closing the distance will bring about an even richer experience of love.
These days I sigh deeply, taking in the sights, sounds (often construction and sirens) and tastes of Florence. I will miss living in this city of beauty even if it does often smell kinda nasty. Every corner here offers a surprise, an opportunity to look and celebrate.

The job hunt

I has begun.

I am finding that the conservation field is like some secret society and I haven't learned the hand shake! It isn't like restoration studios utilize web sites like so many other professions, in fact there is almost none considering how many places are probably out there. And it seems like they are very interested in keep the gate keepers of information firmly in place.
So we are all writing emails, sending out applications but then...we wait and there isn't even a courtesy reply. It is all yet another learning experience.
I started looking in the Bay Area but quickly realized that I might need to seriously consider living in whatever state I can get a job in. Not really what I had hoped for because I was hoping to live within driving range of the kids but since I have such an enormous student loan to pay off, I might not have a choice.

No wonder people continue at school into their Phd...it is comfortable to stay at school and not enter the work force.

45

I almost forgot...I turned 45!

Some age changes hit you and other go unnoticed. This one is coming at a time of complete transition and seems to be effecting my self perception. I am having little pods of self doubt that are actually effecting how I interact with the world. I find myself "pondering" those unproductive and destructive questions..."why would anyone hire you? why would anyone date you?" I fully know its is the side effect of so much transition and I can't say that it is completely unhelpful but...arrrrggghhh....it might not be the healthiest mind loop to ever play in my head.

I might not fully understand what this experience, and birthday have done to me until I can stand in front of my friends back in CA. Sometimes the best mirror is a friend. Here is the fantastic birthday dessert that they made me...

Job Hunting

I know that it feels like half of the US is job hunting right now and the economy sucks but I am finding that the restoration and conservation community is much more secretive then I anticipated. They don't advertise or have a web presence. They don't post jobs on regular sites and even the official organizations have outdated information on their websites!

How is a person supposed to infiltrate the system I ask? I have now started to systematically email strangers in hopes of a response! I had to create a table in a word document to keep track of who I send what because it seems so abstract. I've now read how to write every kind of resume and cover letter that is posted in every how to website and I feel like a cartoon character that has all those lovely symbols floating over their head as they lay slumped.

But I will continue to try...like everyone else...and maybe I'll be able to slip in under the barbed wire fence, avoid the motion detectors and run past the snarling dogs to enter the sacred kingdom of restoration!

All Pau!

School is done, in the bag, finished....phew...that was intense.

For 8 months I have spent almost all my time with the same 9 people. It wasn't like the standard friendships formed during the normal academic course because you took every class together. We ate together, studied together and occasionally when time allowed hung out together. Normal academic life is so different than what I experienced here. The semester is a nice pace, and you see your friends occasionally in some of your classes...not here. Here it is a tiny room where all your classes are, the same 10 people from 9-7pm some days, 5 days a week and the other 2 days you are in the library with some of your classmates working.

Not sure if I'd really driven the concept home but I'll try one more time...together in very close quarters for 8 months! There enough said in an attempt to build the context.

I haven't posted any photos of them here on my blog because I do respect their privacy, but I did want to make mention of their brilliance. Of course I didn't get along with everyone, but the half of the class that I spent my time with are fantastic. One in fact is spending the next 2 weeks here in my little studio before she goes off to France.

So for the record, my experience was made up of not only an education in restoration but also shaped by a dedicated and over achieving (in a good way) group of individuals that I will always remember with warmth and fondness. Some I hope to keep in close touch with and others I will be happy to see at events and conferences. But they have been such a big part of my experience here that it would be remiss of me not to mention them and I will miss them.

Thanks fellow Post-Bacc Conservation students 2009/2010...

Siena

I finally got to take a day trip to Siena. I have many of the photos posted on my Flickr account and still doing some editing on others.

Siena is magic. There is no other way to describe it. It is a frozen moment in time in many ways. No high tech antennas sticking off roof tops, no zooming cars moving down the streets, and even not much public transportation. Every corner you turn is a gift from the city, and in many ways it is much more beautiful than Florence.

Can you tell I fell in love with Siena. I do wish I had more time there because it is more than one full day of sight seeing. So if I return to Italy some day I hope I can spend more time there and maybe even make it to Venice...Venice is waiting for a time I can travel with someone romantic I think.

I'll patiently wait.