Let the Games begin...

We started marriage counseling. I don't mean to make light of it with the title of this blog, it is a considerable undertaking emotionally for my husband. It takes a good deal of personal trust for someone at the emotional point he is at.

I am at a different point in my life. My journey inward began many years ago and I have traveled through the dark stillness to meet myself. I have met many teachers along the way, my most influential and helpful at this point has been Adyashanti, although my childhood rings loudly in my ears these days. Recently I have reflected on the faces of my family, my Great Aunts and Uncles and how often they smiled. Now in my 50's I know the burdens and worries they must have carried and yet they smiled with such joy and were so present in the moments with us. I look at my Great Grandmother with such admiration, a new found respect and my heart is simply overwhelmed with gratitude and love. That is for another post, one in which I can just honor my rich lineage.

So, we go and sit with a marriage counselor once a week as he tries his hardest to unwind 7 years of complex yuck. Trigger words, and manipulation that push accountability and responsibility to the other side of the table very much like a game. I mostly sit quietly until I can't stand it anymore and I put a stop to it. My husband is very much like herding a bundle of kittens when it comes to arguing and emotional things, it's part of the strategy and I know as the counselor gets to know him it will take less time to intervene but for now it borders on the ridiculous.

Blah blah blah she she she and so on. I sit and watch this all unfold mindful of his apparent pain yet sinful blame and wonder when his perspective will crack wide.

I always wonder what it takes for someone to wake up. I remember the moment vividly for me and it had nothing to do with my spirituality, or at least it didn't seem like it directly. It had everything to do with my kids. One spilled glass of milk. I yelled at my child about it and I realized that it wasn't who I wanted to be. My impatience was the ugliest thing I had about me and to undo that I needed to undo a good many things. That was the beginning of it all. That was when the game began for me like a gun going off at the beginning of a race.

It only took one spilled glass of milk. What will it be for him?

Invalidation and the Whole Self

Last night it was another showdown. And it's funny how the mind works at times because in the background was that childhood rhyme, "I am rubber you are glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks to you". 

The back story is that my step daughter and husband had a conversation, which I don't have to the details about, where he expressed the unrecoverable status of our relationship in some sad way. The outcome was she sent him a "cheer him up" gift. We had seen this at our most recent trip to Great America and my husband still mourns the death of David Bowie. The gift card said, "oh no love, you are not alone ~B". BTW, love is his pet name for me. Clearly he was feeling alone and sad. 

I found out that our relations was unrecoverable because I went to use his computer and "found" an email from a friend of ours with a list of divorce attorney recommendations. Honestly, I didn't acquire this information hunting in a devious way, I was using his computer to look up some information for my Grandson, saw a purchase he had made and out of curiosity wanted to know what it was. Saw the receipt in his email and went to look at the description. There in the subject heading in an email was the word divorce, she isn't married so my heart sunk and I clicked the email. The quickest of clicks led to the discovery of the truth, yes it was a violation of privacy which I acknowledge openly. 

So here I stand in my kitchen, the landscape has changed and I am devastated with the recent news that my husband thinks our relationship is unrecoverable, has told more than a few people this and he receives a gift. Obviously there is years of story here but my feelings are deeply hurt. My step daughter clearly is not understanding that this situation is effecting us all in the house and that my feeling are raw and sad, that I might also need some support. 

So later after careful thought and even more carefully chosen words I decided to write her an email. I think it's important in a relationship to let people know when they have hurt you, truly hurt you. My step daughter also cancelled her attendance to my oldest daughter's baby shower giving out right lies as excuses until my daughter presses to the truth. 

My step daughter never responded to the email. My husband however told me that I had no right to write the email. It was none of my business and I had no right to feel hurt. 

He then told my 15 year old step son that I sent the email and that I didn't want him to have any joy in his life. Which upset my step son so much that he made the choice not to come to our house. The hits just kept coming. After two weeks of hearing him say that I had no rights I had had enough. 

Last night he told me that I was responsible for driving a wedge between my step daughter and I. That my email had done irreparable damage. 

Enough was enough. It is simple. For 7 years I have treated him, his Son, Daughter and Mother with kindness, respect, and love. I have given them my patience and dealt with all the situations and problems with fairness. I can't say they have been even ben all that nice to me, and sometimes out right cruel. I have forgiven because I choose forgiveness. I don't wedge, but live a dog's life-today is the day I have. I've made few mistakes and hurt them few times never out of malice or intention. 

Last night my husband called my email dumb. A mistake. And I am being burned at the stake. 

Absolutely NOT. I told him that he and his daughter might want to consider treating me with a shred of the compassion and kindness that I have shown them. That my feelings are just as valid as theirs and that their opinion of my email is theirs but in no way makes my hurt feeling any less valid. That in no way should they have ever said any of this in front of a 15 year old boy, that I had no right to feel the way I do. Teaching him people's feelings are invalid, bringing him into this is an outright manipulation and a despicable emotional ploy. Their inability to show compassion for my feeling is a reflection of their immaturity of character and testament to if I should or should not have sent an email in the first place. I valued my friendship with my step Daughter and thought that after all this time that her and I could openly share our feelings. I misjudged the stability of that relationship. I did make a mistake, one I will not make again.

Internally, I feel unaffected by his comments. I felt a bit like Wonder Woman or at least the archetype in some way. I made a stand. At the end of the day I am a whole person. I did a lot of years doing personal work and sitting in meditation and I still do. I have an amazing acupuncturist that is working with me now to continue my personal efforts and deal with all this and heighten my experience of meditation. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes, I certainly do but low level emotional abuse is not going to happen here. 

Marriage counseling is tomorrow. Should be interesting. My step Son is coming home today and I'm looking forward to seeing him. We spoke last night in spite of his new step Dad making him get off the phone with me for no reason. Yes, they too are shooting arrows. 

Maybe it's time to summons the coven.

It's always the next chapter

I abandoned this blog for a variety of reasons. The brightest was being burned at the stake. My partner, who became my husband did nothing to save my name which in hindsight might have been a warning sign. I don't actually need anyone to fight for me, but allies are always a good thing in battle and it has been a battle for 7 years now. 
Out of the ashes I rise like a Phoenix, screech towards the sky and take flight again. 

A new day, the same fight and I ask myself very similar questions about humanity. As the context or faces change in my life and I see the kindness and the smiles drain away, I wonder when people will wake up. 

When will they see each other, the sameness? When will they allow the divide to melt away and begin to understand that the separateness that they feel is an illusion?

I was going to start in a new and fresh place to write and post. A new beginning of sorts but the changed my mind. I'll just dip back into the past 7 years like a dream sequence in a movie instead, maybe disjointed and a little out of sync with time but then again isn't all memory like that at some point? 

Seven years later, I might not have chosen my throne wisely.