Let the Games begin...

We started marriage counseling. I don't mean to make light of it with the title of this blog, it is a considerable undertaking emotionally for my husband. It takes a good deal of personal trust for someone at the emotional point he is at.

I am at a different point in my life. My journey inward began many years ago and I have traveled through the dark stillness to meet myself. I have met many teachers along the way, my most influential and helpful at this point has been Adyashanti, although my childhood rings loudly in my ears these days. Recently I have reflected on the faces of my family, my Great Aunts and Uncles and how often they smiled. Now in my 50's I know the burdens and worries they must have carried and yet they smiled with such joy and were so present in the moments with us. I look at my Great Grandmother with such admiration, a new found respect and my heart is simply overwhelmed with gratitude and love. That is for another post, one in which I can just honor my rich lineage.

So, we go and sit with a marriage counselor once a week as he tries his hardest to unwind 7 years of complex yuck. Trigger words, and manipulation that push accountability and responsibility to the other side of the table very much like a game. I mostly sit quietly until I can't stand it anymore and I put a stop to it. My husband is very much like herding a bundle of kittens when it comes to arguing and emotional things, it's part of the strategy and I know as the counselor gets to know him it will take less time to intervene but for now it borders on the ridiculous.

Blah blah blah she she she and so on. I sit and watch this all unfold mindful of his apparent pain yet sinful blame and wonder when his perspective will crack wide.

I always wonder what it takes for someone to wake up. I remember the moment vividly for me and it had nothing to do with my spirituality, or at least it didn't seem like it directly. It had everything to do with my kids. One spilled glass of milk. I yelled at my child about it and I realized that it wasn't who I wanted to be. My impatience was the ugliest thing I had about me and to undo that I needed to undo a good many things. That was the beginning of it all. That was when the game began for me like a gun going off at the beginning of a race.

It only took one spilled glass of milk. What will it be for him?